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Is anybody there? (An open letter to my brain)

03 Dec

Is anybody there?

Is anybody going to read this?

I started writing this post in my head last night during a panic about the  old bank account for the GU Shakespeare Society  at 5 in the morning, but I feel that with everything going on right now, it’s been a long time coming.

I’m clinging onto OK-ness. Physically healthy, academically getting there and yet mentally my brain feels like it is holding the worst of all grudges against me. And so I think it’s fair to say that I’m struggling to keep my head above water. Just a bit.

Below are just a few of the lovely conversations that we’ve had together over the last few weeks.

‘You’re never going to succeed getting your degree.’ 

Thanks brain, I’m already coming to the end of my first semester of 4th year, watch me.

‘You’re going to fail your dissertation and you’re never going to hand it in on time. You can’t write a good academic essay anyway. ‘ 

Really? We’re really going there? I’ve got about 6k of words down already dear brain; I need 4k to get to word count and there’s the 10% leeway. And please don’t start about academic essays. I don’t want to hear it.

You’re useless. You’re the sibling who’s never, ever going to amount to anything. Best give up.’ 

That’s unfair. Really quite unfair. For the love of everything brain, can’t you see that we’re all different? We’re not supposed to be clones of each other.

Your faith’s crumbling. You just call yourself a Christian.’

That’s enough. I’ve been busy, far too busy to attend student group and I do try, so please don’t hold that against me. My faith is being explored in other ways until January (magical, blessed January with no looming deadlines!) comes and I can properly immerse myself into Student Group.

Your problems are invalid. You are invalid.’ 

I’m trying to be OK, trying to get there slowly, but it’s taking time. Please try and be patient with me and know that opening up is hard, but I’ll try and be more honest with where I’m at mentally. One of the main problems is that my main point of social interaction at the moment is in the library where everyone is stressed, so if I pass you off with a breezy ‘I”m fine,’ or ‘I’m OK… just’, know that I’m very probably not and it’s just because the ‘everyone’s in the same boat and don’t try and stick your head above the parapet’ mantra has been stamped into me and trying to unlearn it is something that is taking time.

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